Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
