Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
