Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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