i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
