I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
