I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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