I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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