based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
