The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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