walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
