I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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