I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
