please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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