I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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