well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
