If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I think people are normalizing furries
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
