I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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