It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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