we're blogging at a bar
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
