i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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