Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
