Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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