i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
they need to just BURY HIM!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
