Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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