Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
