i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I think your dad took our porno
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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