How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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