Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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