I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
