Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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