Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
