I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
