The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
