Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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