Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
