tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
