Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
