found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
