It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
