I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
