i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
