She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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