I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
