God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
