did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I want to fling myself into the sun
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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