i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
