if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
