if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
