Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
