shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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